Lyme disease

The Lighter Side of Lyme

They say the best medicine is laughter. I have read much about Lymes on the net, and tis’ no laughing matter and that’s a fact.

However, if we are to have any joy in our lives we must be able to at least smile from within, and we are usually our funniest ally in this area. As we hopefully aren’t into the Alzheimer's state yet. So instead of telling the doctor nothing. We can still state “I think I’m getting Alzheimer's.”

Therefore, we realize all the goofy mistakes we make and don’t make and can either rejoice, or laugh about it. So I have been writing down little sayings, puns, helpful hints, for awhile now and thought I would share them with you.

How this works. LOL not quite sure yet, but there will be a space between each thingy so you can cut them out and tape them somewhere if you need/want to.

So print this out then put it with some tape. Read it when you can understand it and tape it where you need reminders, or a smile to brighten your day.

LOL ‘enough said let’s have some laughs…..

Lesson #1: Cured
  • to heal: to restore a sick person to health (Like in completely cured)
  • to preserve food: (Like meat, usually by smoking or drying)
  • to solve a problem: (Like in curing unemployment)

When you go to the doctor, and he states you are cured of Lyme disease and decides to go on to your multiple problems. Ask him if you are cured like unemployment, meat, or to your old self.

How to drive with floaters…
Unless they are human form drive right through them.

If you find yourself talking to no one during a red light don’t worry. Everyone else at the stop light has a cell phone nowadays.

Never scratch and spirochete that’s sprung- it will itch for days and make a big sore.

If the number on the bathroom scale is not to your liking wait until tomorrow.
Sometimes Dyslexia is our best friend.

If a prowler (or other scary thing) is in your house for more that ½ an hour call a good friend to come over and visit. If they don’t notice anything unusual, then don’t worry about it.

Tell everyone you know who doesn’t have Lyme to read their Bibles and Learn as much as possible by heart. So if they ever do get Lyme, God will give them verses Like:

“Fear not.” (BTW in the Bible 365 times, 1 for each day)

“lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” (wonderful for those depressing times when suddenly for absolutely no apparent reason your world just suddenly ends.)

“ I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” (no matter how blind you seem to be!)

Money isn’t the root of all evil:
1 Timothy 6:10 KJV
For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. (It is just hard to count. Let alone keep track of some days. But no worries God feeds the sparrows and clothes the flowers & the little ones always see Jesus face to face.)

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (So if the Lyme is now eating away at your damaged spine, just sit on the floor and hold the Grand Kiddies!)

If it hurts to turn a jar lid, fix something else for supper.

Tired of one course meals?
Treat your family to a TV dinner.

Believe me if you can’t find the scissors you will never get that bag open. (so stick them in your kitchen drawer.)

Quit waiting for someone to buy you an nice letter opener for Christmas, go out and get a good cheep one.

Quit waiting for someone else to do it for you, find a new way to accomplish a task.

Go ahead look stupid, ask for help, who cares! You are just doing what everyone else wishes they had the nerve to do!

If you can't tell your hands & feet what you want them to do, how are you going to tell another person?

Lesson #2: NOTES:
Something written down, often in abbreviated form, as a record or reminder; hint; very short record or summary.

Notes unless strategically taped in the right places will do you no good.

If you can’t find pen or paper, it won’t do any good to write yourself a note.

It doesn’t do much good to write notes in a note book, most days you will never find the one you were looking for in all that mess.

Hint: Never abbreviate notes, latter they will look like Greek.

Hint: Never write down hints, latter you won’t have a clue.

If you have strategically placed a note and it is no longer working, than strategically place it someplace else. (it somehow turned into a cobweb, you can’t get to, so you are now ignoring it)

I don't think Dyslexia is a bad thing, it is probably just your brain rerouting around cells killed off by sprickets, and hooking together good cells. So now you just need to figure out how to get the good cells to work.

If you can’t find your glasses, it’s a good sign you shouldn’t be driving.

Eye Doctors--
You will find if you visit them often enough when Lymes is over you will never need to go there again. Because no matter how old you get you will have a pair of eyewear to cover that.

If you must itch, thus find yourself running down the road ½ naked, screaming at the top of your lungs, least wait till hubby is driving home from work.

You know it’s a BAD day when you turn off the timer and realize you forgot to tape a note by it!

A better day is when you couldn’t (read/understand) a word of this, and then one day you pick this up and a few of the lines are starting to pop out at you.

A confusing day is when you seek a piece of advise in here and wonder when it was that you stuck a scrap of paper between each page.

The best DAYS are when you can read this book and realize NONE OF IT MAKES MUCH SENSE ANY MORE!!!

A happy day is when your facial palsy loosens up and you can break out into a smile!

A teary day is occasionally ok, because you can have your pity party over for the whole month.

Never bawl too hard it hurts!

Never bawl in the shower you might slip on cream rinse and fall down!

GO AHEAD AND LAUGH HARD -- It’s worth the pain & effort!

If company shows up on a teary day make popcorn and watch sad movies.

NEVER DELETE A MESSAGE on the answering machine until you have listened to it at least twice, and then actually contacted the matching voice that says,"yes, I called you."

If you call the Wrong number 3 times
Try looking at it again in a few hours, believe me it will change!

I have never spoken to a Social Security person who has stated to give up trying to get Social Security disability. So keep trying.

Good point about Social Security disability. They are slower than we are, or on purpose? To give us time to get that done!

Always wear layers of clothing, that way if a heat wave strikes for no apparent reason you can shed a few and be more comfortable.

Wear loose clothing so you don’t get Closter Phobic for no reason.

Lesson #3:
ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder

If you find you have ADD make your spouse your world- They will love you for it!

If you find you have ADD…. Well… things like this happen you forgot what you were going to type….

If you find you have ADD try not eating tomatoes and green peppers for 3 days. (Doesn’t work too well for me, but works great for every one else around me. And things seem to go better for me when everyone else knows what they are doing!)

ADD: ok so you are at the store and find you are alone, you wander out to the parking lot and can’t find your car! …
ok so you are at the store and find you are alone, try to remember where your car is, if you can’t remember, than you MUST have come to the store with someone else.
This is a BIG difference between normal ADD and Lymes, I talked to someone with ADD, and they wouldn’t be able to figure that one out. So see we aren’t so bad off after all!

Lesson #4
When you go to town and….

  • You realize they undercharged you for cigarettes by a whole carton…
  • They charge you $ 80.00 for a $4.00 discount birthday cake….
  • They can’t find something “for the life of them” and you are staring right at it…
  • Somebody besides you drove off without paying for gas…
  • You give the cashier the correct amount of cash, to receive a $10.00 bill in change, she punches in the wrong number and doesn’t have a clue what to do, and you DON’T know how to tell her. So her and your husband finally straighten out the mess you made. And the kind woman states “she must have been a cashier at one time”… As you leave the store $10.00 bill in hand… you ponder when that could have possibly been…

You begin to realize it may be a good idea to carry a packet of Lyme brochures in your pocket to pass out. Because when no one in town knows what’s going on, something is not quite right with that picture.
you live in a Lyme infested area like me!

If you get board out of your mind--be HAPPY! Your feeling better! Don’t go out and get a job because the NEXT day you might be “ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON’T EVEN SHOW UP FOR THEIR FIRST DAY OF WORK!”

“ There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.”


If a floater takes on the form of a swamp monster that travels down the basement stairs - Don’t tell the doctor about it! If you accidentally do and she asks you if it spoke to you- don’t hook that together with- God gives you verses to keep you safe!!!
The poor soul will NEVER understand!

When you look in the mirror and realize you have crows feet, just be glad the black circles are gone.

Be of Good Cheer, Relax & Get Well! The world will survive with or without you running around involved in it.

If you must write something for someone else, you know, that is readable, than do it on the computer with spell checker. Don’t check it after you are done, you won’t have a clue what word you wanted there. And alas my spell checker usually doesn’t have the word I wanted anyway. So like go online and type it into Yahoo search! So far they have never let me down, and include the word I wanted on that page someplace!

If your toes start to splay
get up and walk!

Not watching so much TV helps too.

Leg cramps at night?
Drink milk before going to bed.

Got a wart?
Use duck tape till gone.

Lymph nodes -
Eat lots of Strawberries.

No caffeine - less heart pounding.

Lesson #5:
If you find Yourself…
  • Tiptoeing around your home sweet home, fretting over every blanket or piece of clothing that fell on the floor -
  • Practically killing the cat with tick repellent -
  • Staring at the white wall wondering… Now is it a Lyme tick? Or is it a floater? Maybe it is a speck of dirt?
  • Jumping up every time it feels like something under your clothes moved to run in the bedroom to change…
  • Staring at the floor for hours searching for anything that might move, before getting out of your easy chair, that you have covered with a WHITE sheet…

Get yourself a menagerie of magnifying glasses and put them to use - If for no other reason than your peace of mind.

If your brain is dead- RELAX! Take a deep breath and enjoy….
the ringing in your ears for a change..

To warm up hands & feet
hide all cigarettes & lighters for 45 minutes.

To quit smoking hide all cigarettes and ashtrays, then you will occasionally find your self wandering around with a lighter, so you feel safe, but you won’t have a clue what to do with it.

Console yourself with the fact that if they ever do LOCK YOU UP & THROW AWAY THE KEY. You can feel good about yourself because then you would finally be “One of those” Non-Smokers!

If it is too hard, It’s probably not worth it!

If It’s too confusing, It’s probably not worth the energy, and effort to figure it out.

If it’s a bill - no worries! They won’t forget!

The Dryer is supposed to kill wood ticks.

If you find your ash tray full of ¼ smoked cigs, it’s a clue- YOU QUIT SMOKING! PUT IT OUT! And keep trying.

If you don’t smoke, move to one of those non-smoking states, so you won’t find yourself lighting up, and making a fool of yourself when you start choking to death.

No Alcohol, I can’t remember why, but well, as dizzy as I get it’s probably not a good idea.

Lesson # 6:
How to carry on a conversation:
Look them straight in the eye.
if they pause,
Say ummhmmm politely.
If you hear a question say yes.
& Never FORGET!
Always carry one of those mini recorders!

  • If the phone rings and they don’t say your name right - hang-up.
  • If the phone rings and you don’t know them personally - hang-up.
  • If your concerned about who that might be if you pick up the ringing phone - Let the machine find out for you.

Don’t wait too long to eat - by then you will be too worn out to bother doing that…

If you are a horrible cook these days, That’s ok! Your dog will still love you.

If your dog bites your finger over a piece of burnt crust…
You most likely forgot to feed him.

If you can understand the TV Guide -
Your not sick enough to be sitting around Watching telivision.

When washing dishes and the water just keeps on running out cold no matter how long you wait…
Try the other knob.
When in the shower try that sooner - If too hot get out, then figure it out!

I did consider categorizing this book! Making little headings…. Chapters…. Paragraphs… Index… Contents…. But like what’s the point? For any sane Lymie none of that would make a lick of sense.

I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEE NOR FORSAKE THEE… comes in handy when you find yourself in a store and realize your not quite sure how you got there…

FOLLOW ME…. Works great when out driving and you get lost…
Eventually He will lead you home...

If you accidently park at a fast food resteraunt for bread -
Order French fries!
Gives you something to munch on while walking across the way to the gas station- Where thank goodness these days
There is bread!

U can do ALL things through CHRIST WHO strengthens thee!

BTW the King James Version of the Bible is the only BOOK I have been able to really understand while having Lyme. All those thees and thous make backward perfect sense. You could try the Hebrew Bible which I understand is written totally backwards and goes back to front, If you can find one translated from a scroll into English.

Don’t you just hate it when you go to the store and realize that you are actually trying to read some other language, because you don’t know the difference! SHEASH!!!

Reading self-help books for the all the individual Lyme phobias does no good, when you can’t figure out what you read!

Reading about Lyme on the internet can get REALLY depressing, and sometimes just makes you feel sicker….

AVOID Sugar, use honey.

AVOID Starch, eat corn or tortilla chips.

AVOID Caffeine drink decafe.

Did you know that if you quit smoking for 8 hours your very own oxygen will start killing off thoes little buggers that invaded your body.

If when sorting stuff into piles, all of a sudden they are in the wrong places, try that other brain. If that brain isn’t working either, go back to that latter. Either they will magically be in the right piles, or it will be the biggest mess you ever made!!!

Always sort your clothes before washing, that way you can recheck your piles as you put them in the wash. Luckily a red hankie in a pile of whites looks a bit odd….

Quit trying to figure out when you actually got Lyme, the doctors don’t know, so how are you ever going to figure it out?

If you have a problem like say panic attacks, then don’t worry much about doing anything about it until after the doctor says “you are your old self”. Then seek medical help for those if you still need too. In the meantime medicine and councling won’t do you much good….

Pain medication doesn’t work for Lyme Pain.

Medications for mental disorders usually bring on some other horrible disorder.

Counseling might work if you read lesson #6 and understood it.

If you finally find the unemployment office, and the gentleperson is more concerned about if you have yet applied for Social Security Disability, Then you should probably see if you can find that office.

This might be telling you a bit late, but when you first get Lyme and you know that fevor that hits you and runs about 105 degrees. DON’T take 5 Tylenol and go back to bed. Call someone to take you to the doctor.

If you did take 5 Tylenol and went back to bed, it sure isn’t going to do you a smide of good to wonder latter how many brain cells that ate, and which ones the Lymes has gotten….

Don’t watch ACTION moives, they cause too much stress.

If under duress, watch an action movie, wear yourself out and when you wake up you will realize you just had the best nap you had in a month.

If you are craving Chocolate DON’T eat it you will get a migraine.

GET DRESSED every day. I know I know tis hard, but gives you something to do for ½ hour looking over your closet, trying to figure out what to wear.

Question: Which is worse, scrambled eggs or scrambled brain?

From time to time I try to figure out how to make a SAFE page on the net called “DIAL A Friend”…. Oh well, at least I got to typing this out so far, figure that out latter….

The problem with most of us is that we DON’T know how to relax, our brain is always busy! I don’t know what it is doing, but it sure is busy!

Hmmm well, till I get around to starting up “DIAL A FRIEND” you can always call

When you finnaly find the unemployment office, and they give you disability help. Don’t cry when they ask you if you think you could be a greeter at Walmart. Just smile in understanding and mention that you had discussed that with your best friend the week before, who had told you in the kindest manner possible that to actually do that you would need to be able to drive there EVERYDAY! The poor gentleman didn’t continue the job offer, but if he offers it to you, I would sure take it! Sure beats sitting around doing stuff like this all day!

Simply amazing things:
People don’t hear.
Pleople don’t listen.
People talk to much!
When you understand those 3 things, your life will be much simpler.

The harder you TRY to figure out something, the more confusing it will get.


You know just carry the glass around with you all day.
If it gets empty, fill it.

I KNOW IT’S NOT EASY, BUT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO TRUST at least 3 people, no matter how paranoid you feel! Two who can tell you, you are doing OK, and who can take you to the doctor (the other person) when your NOT ok, and make them understand that.

A GOOD DAY. When your 2 people say you are doing great, and you can drive yourself to the doctor!

I wish they would quit making so many LAWS, I’m one of thoes “have to follow the rules” people, and by the time I get over this disease, they will have so many new laws, I won’t be able to go out in public. Like the other day I accidently carried my ciggarette into the ciggarette store, after they changed a law, but they said it was ok to smoke. So when I got to the
grocery store…. OPPS!

Night Driving....
Hmmm... I tried that ONCE!

HAVE YOU ever gone to a store, wandered off from your cart, forgot what you were doing there & went home?
HA HA!!!
I don’t think I ever did that YET!!!
Oh you did do that?
Please no hitting!
Be happy you just MADE MY DAY, a little brighter!!!

Ever feel like you have Lyme on your mind?


Ok, that was my list what can I say…. My husband mentioned we needed lime for the yard & I needed a lime for juice.

IF YOU CAN’T LEARN TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF, you will never make it through this disease!

If life gets you Lymes, make lymeaid:
Glass of water
A squirt of Lime
A squirt Lemon
A touch of Vinegar A bit of cranberry juice concentrate Add honey to taste. Tastes awful, but sure fixes sour stomich!

If you get lost go Garage Sailing…

Lyme Borrelia like Al Qaeda burrow in and hide out, until they know you are vulnerable and then they STRIKE!

From Tracie-
"BITE ME" - Too late the woodtick already did!

A very Good tip, from a very good Friend: '''"Don't put off what u can do today, when u have the energy!!!"''

Lesson #7:
Grocery lists? ya right! IF you need a map to get to the store, and a note at the bottom of it reminding you to go home, well…..

If you must do the grocery list thing. Hang it on the refrigerator, put a pen or pencil or a bunch of them in a coffee cup on top of the refrigerator. And do the best you can to wing it from there…. Good luck!

(Hang this by your Grocery List)
What to do with the Grocery List:
  • Put it & a pen or pencil in your purse, or pocket before leaving the house.
  • When you get to the store, put it in your hand.
  • When you find something on the list and it is actually in your cart-cross it off.
  • When everything on the list looks crossed off crumple it up, so you don’t pull it out next time and think you are done shopping.

Best day to go to town.
Early Thursday!

Lesson #8 Calendars:

Calendars don’t work too well unless you have someone to tell you which day it is each morning.

In the meantime you could try this:

But it only works if you can remember to cross stuff off.

Well I guess if you happen to have a dog!


Book Publishers note: Someday if I ever get to publishing this as a book, or if someone else decides to actually make a book of it, then YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST:

Put it together so that the pages pull out like a sticky note. OR put a refillable roll of tape inside the back pages you know how they do

Or maybe like a binder note book would work, and then they could just tape the tape to the book or something. Because as a publisher you must know, as those of us who have Lyme know. Tape & book in two different places will do us no good. By the time we find the tape, most of us will forget what we were looking for it for.

Also the print MUST be very LARGE! Some days we can't see, let alone read, let alone discern between print & floaters. Which includes any disclaimers! LOL small print for stuff like that for us is NOT fair!

If you wish to contribute a short Lyme funny, or helpful tip, to add to this list feel free to e-mail me at:

Hmmmm, Do I need a disclaimer?
If you are a Lawyer and think I need one let me know...
Other wise since they are all over the place, this one will have to do for now...

Realize that this page is put together from advise, things I've read & heard. I don't have a clue if most of it even makes any sense! YIKES!

LOL, Someone just said to me once you should write a book! Right now I can't remember if this was even the book I was suposed to write! If you really must know when I go someplace and my husband isn't with I never sign anything anymore! AND stuff like GORCERY LISTS if you need to hang the map by it & the note for it, then you SHOULD NOT be DRIVING!!! If you actually need the note by the list than you probably shouldn't be driving! SHEASH! Use the brain cells you have left! If they aren't working anymore try the ones on the right side !

(If you feel so inclined, please pass this on.)

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